Warning: The following story is one of satire. As an American and soccer/football enthusiast I reserve the right to make fun of other sovereign nations that outbid my country financially for the World Cup 2022. Who would have thought that a desert land with the third-highest GDP in the world would be able to line the FIFA gods’ coffers more than my own American colleagues? How dare such a tiny country win out against the solid money-machines of the United States, Australia, and Japan.
Qatar, host of the 2022 World Cup:
A pamphlet for soccer fans from the United States
Welcome to Qatar, a peninsular land of vast oil and natural gas reserves. We are roughly the same size as Connecticut, and we have the same population as Phoenix, Arizona. We have never had a World Cup team, but were are surrounded by Middle Eastern countries that have made it to the first or second round—Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Iran, and Iraq. We also had our Under 20 Football Team earn second place in the FIFA World Youth Championship! We love soccer—it’s our favorite sport, just ahead of cricket.
Visitors will find our landscapes breathtaking, if only because the temperature sucks the moisture right out of your lungs. We tried to secure a spot as host of the 2016 World Cup, but lost because we thought it would be best to have the entire South American and European leagues change their schedules in order to play in our “autumn” month of October. But in 2022, we plan on hosting the tournament during our hottest months of June and July, which have average highs of 106 and 114, respectively. Never mind that the heat reflecting off of the sand can reach above 130 (F) degrees! To combat this we will build state-of-the-art stadiums that cool the venues to a respectable 81 (F) degrees. How will we do this? We are investing in billions of dollars in photovoltaic energy that will cool large tanks of water that air will circulate around. Cool air will flood the field and down the backs of the upper decks of each venue. Never mind that stadium architect Jack Boyle says that the design wasn’t “economically viable” for Phoenix, Arizona. Money is no worry! We don’t mind waste, after all, as exemplified that we are the No. 1 country in emissions and CO2 output per capita in the world, just ahead of the United States.
We recognize that our airport only hosted three million passengers a decade ago, compared to 23.3 million at Dulles International Airport on the eastern seaboard of the U.S.—that’s why we’re building a new airport! We started building it so we could win the 2016 Olympics bid, which we lost. We also started building a new city from scratch so we could be a stronger force for bidding for the Olympics and World Cup. We call it Lusail City. We even started building a new stadium before people started to live there! It’s called the Lusail Iconic Stadium, which has a capacity for over 86,000 fans—more than the people that lived in Lusail City until just recently. Isn’t that interesting? The stadium has already served us well after we
bought earned the right to host the 2006 Asian Games.
We are on the move, especially after a successful political coup in 1995. We are progressive, even though most people around the Western world don’t think so. For example, we now allow women to drive! We’re also culturally diverse: the majority of people here are not Qatari, instead they are our laborers and servants. We have a really neat system of modern-day slavery called kafeel; but you’ll hear us call it “sponsorship.” We bring over poor, migrant workers from India, the Philippines, Nepal, China, and Africa, and we don’t allow them to change jobs or leave the country without our permission. But do not worry—our rate of sex trafficking and violent crimes against the poor won’t be as showcased as South Africa’s sex trade and murder rate prior to their World Cup debut. We have considered abolishing this
slave sponsorship system like our neighbors of Kuwait and Bahrain, but we simply need this labor system in order to continue our quest to host every major sporting event in the world. We’re going to host the 2011 AFC Asian Cup finals and the 2011 Asian Indoor Games. We already used these laborers to prepare for the 15th Asian Games of 2006 and the 3rd West Asian Games in 2005.
And have no fear, you American, Russian, and European hooligans with a taste for alcohol. We actually serve beer and liquor! Drinks and cocktails are available exclusively in our upscale bars and private clubs for a handsome sum. Beware, though, Sharia Law prohibits you from being drunk or having any alcohol outside these establishments. For this reason, we have one company, and one company alone that has exclusive rights over serving alcoholic beverages, and the income goes directly to the monarchy.
And, finally, please behave in our country. We do not follow the International Court of Justice, and we hold people accountable, again, to a combination of Islamic and civil law. We do not tolerate homosexuality, adultery, or apostasy, and we forbid alcohol and pornography. But don’t worry, if you’re an expatriate, we’ll arrest you under your own law, confine you to a police station, and it’s probable that you won’t be given any type of legal or consular assistance. Your statement for your crime must be translated into Arabic, and it’s your responsibility to ensure your translation is correct.
We have beautiful architecture, world-class educational facilities, and our health care is the best in our region of the world. But we don’t know what we’re going to do when our liquid gold runs out in 37 years from now, which is precisely why we need to party it up while we can. We’ll see you in 2022!